Thursday, September 3, 2009

Brain Surgery

  • Wash your hands. Nobody wants your dirty fingers touching their brain. We don't know where they've been, okay? And I don't even want to know. Just wash your hands.

  • Scratch that first one. Wear gloves. Those little latex surgical gloves, not your work gloves.

  • Get a good night's sleep beforehand. If you're drinking and partying the night before, you might not be at your best for the brain surgery. If you're a painter, you can party all you want. If you mess up, you just say, "Well, it's just art," and everything's fine. As a neurosurgeon, though, you can't be saying, "Well, it's just the hippocampus." Doesn't work.

  • Anesthesia is important. I suppose this kind of goes without saying, but you're going to be cutting someone, taking out parts of his skull, and ultimately doing things to his brain. Your patient will not want to be awake for this process.

  • Bring a Dremel and some super glue. I promise that you'll find uses for both of them. A multitool is probably a good idea, too.

  • I recommend cutting into the skull so that it comes off kind of like a cookie jar lid. That's what I've always seen in cartoons and Frankenstein movies, so I can't see how you could go wrong that way.

  • Don't remove anything that looks important.

  • Poke the brain, at least once, then report back to me on whether or not it made the patient move. I've always wanted to know. I suppose this isn't advice, but I'll slip it in here anyway.

  • Clean up after yourself. Be sure to reattach the skull (you remembered your super glue, right?) before sending the patient on his way. Otherwise, a stiff wind or an errant baseball's going to hit the exposed brain and undo all of your hard work. If you happened to lose the top of the skull, don't panic; a fishbowl should suffice as a replacement, and is also a fun conversation piece!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


  • As I understand the current boxing scene, being Russian seems to be a good place to start. Now, I'm not saying you should defect or anything, but just making yourself appear Russian would be beneficial. Drop your first name and become Petyr or Ivan, and add an -ivitch to the end of your last name. Vlad Swankivitch is much more marketable than Larry Swank.

  • Before the fight even starts, say the most outrageous things you can about your opponent. Steal things from fairy tales and threaten to grind his bones to make your bread. I recommend some Haiku, as well, because all of the best boxing interviews in history have somehow been poetic in nature. Also, since you're Russian (remember?), don't forget the accent.

  • Use a mouth guard. They're the little things you see boxers put in their mouths and bite down on. Without it, you're going to lose like all of your teeth and probably bite your tongue off in the process. That'd get blood everywhere - on the mat, on your trunks, not to mention facial hair if you have it - which is totally unsanitary.

  • Since you're already using one, write something menacing on your mouth guard. That way, when you smile, your opponent can tremble in fear. "Oh, crap! Where his teeth should be, it actually says 'KILLER' ... there's no way I can win!" You've practically won the fight before it's started!

  • Now that the fight has started, try not to get hit. First off, it looks like it would hurt, even with those big gloves on. Secondly, it seems like the surest way to lose a fight would be by getting punched a lot.

  • Keep your hands in front of your face. As much as you're trying not to get punched, you're probably going to get hit a little. That being the case, it's much better to get hit in the forarms than the jaw.

  • Don't forget to punch the other guy! With all of the not getting punched that you'll be doing, you've got to remember to still hit the other guy.

  • If things aren't going your way, there's a surefire way to turn things around: punch the other guy in the stones. That's right, just haul back and nail him between the legs as hard as you can. Yeah, it's technically against the rules and they're going to dock you a point for that round and warn you not to do it again. Big deal. The other guy will writhing around in pain on the mat or puking in a bucket the corner, so it seems like that trade is well in your favor. Bonus style points to you if you do it all Johnny Cage splits punch style.