Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Boxing

  • As I understand the current boxing scene, being Russian seems to be a good place to start. Now, I'm not saying you should defect or anything, but just making yourself appear Russian would be beneficial. Drop your first name and become Petyr or Ivan, and add an -ivitch to the end of your last name. Vlad Swankivitch is much more marketable than Larry Swank.

  • Before the fight even starts, say the most outrageous things you can about your opponent. Steal things from fairy tales and threaten to grind his bones to make your bread. I recommend some Haiku, as well, because all of the best boxing interviews in history have somehow been poetic in nature. Also, since you're Russian (remember?), don't forget the accent.

  • Use a mouth guard. They're the little things you see boxers put in their mouths and bite down on. Without it, you're going to lose like all of your teeth and probably bite your tongue off in the process. That'd get blood everywhere - on the mat, on your trunks, not to mention facial hair if you have it - which is totally unsanitary.

  • Since you're already using one, write something menacing on your mouth guard. That way, when you smile, your opponent can tremble in fear. "Oh, crap! Where his teeth should be, it actually says 'KILLER' ... there's no way I can win!" You've practically won the fight before it's started!

  • Now that the fight has started, try not to get hit. First off, it looks like it would hurt, even with those big gloves on. Secondly, it seems like the surest way to lose a fight would be by getting punched a lot.

  • Keep your hands in front of your face. As much as you're trying not to get punched, you're probably going to get hit a little. That being the case, it's much better to get hit in the forarms than the jaw.

  • Don't forget to punch the other guy! With all of the not getting punched that you'll be doing, you've got to remember to still hit the other guy.

  • If things aren't going your way, there's a surefire way to turn things around: punch the other guy in the stones. That's right, just haul back and nail him between the legs as hard as you can. Yeah, it's technically against the rules and they're going to dock you a point for that round and warn you not to do it again. Big deal. The other guy will writhing around in pain on the mat or puking in a bucket the corner, so it seems like that trade is well in your favor. Bonus style points to you if you do it all Johnny Cage splits punch style.

No comments:

Post a Comment